This month marks one year in Berlin. Contrary to what most people believe, my start in Berlin wasn’t very easy. I’d given up a life of freedom and excitement for a permanent place. It felt more permanent than anything I’d ever done before and it scared me. I’d moved to an apartment and accepted a fulltime job at an office. I had no experience in this kind of job and immediately got a lot on my plate.
In May the new album of my favorite band came out and I was so excited. I played their songs on repeat, getting excited for their concert. I had already bought the ticket 6 months in advance! The song I most related to is called Was ich liebe. With sentences like “Was ich liebe das wird verderben”, what I love will spoil or be destroyed, it’s all about the pain of living, not being able to enjoy anything and not being worth the pleasure of enjoyment and this seemed to be the theme song to my life. Once again struggled with living and I felt like this was an ever repeating event for me.
Now we’re going through the Corona pandemic. This is the time I should be depressed, anxious or worried. But I’m not. I’m not sure if I’ll still have my job in a month, a job I’ve come to like. I’m not sure if I can stay in this beautiful city I’ve come to love. I’m not sure if I’ll still have a place of my own to call home. I have no idea what I want to get out of life if I can’t stay… You get the idea. And yet, I feel great.
I’m exploring new and old hobbies. I’m tapping into my creativity again and I’m destressing and unwinding. Now I listen to my favorite band and get vivid memories of sitting on the train to the Rügen peninsula, where I found a gorgeous piece of Germany and had a beautiful weekend in nature last summer. The music transports me through different worlds, swings me from past to present.
I feel the pain I’ve had. I smile with pure joy thinking of my escape to the Baltic Sea. I dream of the future, when they will be able to play live again. Music is so powerful. I can lose myself in it and at the same time I find myself. It strengthens memories and enhances feelings. It keeps me going but never lets me forget.
