An end to uncertainty: unemployment
It’s finally happened. I’ve been made redundant. Finally, because my job had been hanging on a thin thread since April now. Within a week I went from planning the start of the tourist season to a few days of home office and ended up on a government support plan without any work. I haven’t worked a single day since the end of March.
During the last few months I’ve often caught myself thinking I have wasted my time. This time was given to me, like a present. I could do anything I wanted with it. Well… anything within the restrictions caused by the pandemic. But have I really wasted my time? Is this a justified thought? Yesterday I went on one of my frequent neighborhood walks and went over the last few months.
April
What a shock! I was placed on 0 hours with financial government support. Nobody knew yet just how extreme the situation with covid would become. I honestly thought I’d just have a few months off of work and would then happily return to what I was doing. So I spent my time adjusting to the new situation. Things were closing and I tried to adapt to my new life. I set a goal of walking at least 10.000 steps every day so I would get some fresh air. I adjusted my workout plan and I invested in some materials to pick up hobbies again. Later I realised that this “given free time” was a chance to invest in other parts of my life, so I started going out on dates again.
May
I was getting restless. The situation was getting worse and I started to realise that nothing would be the same this summer. My mind went to spooky places at times and I worked on keeping myself busy. I needed to feel success and so I started a walk around my city Berlin. During the month I walked 420 km in 17 days. On other days I picked up online courses about positive psychology, tried to draw and paint a bit and invested time in hobbies like jewelry making and online samba classes.
June
My 0 hours had been extended until the end of June. Europe was finally opening up little by little and I managed to visit my family in The Netherlands. During my time in Berlin I kept exploring the surroundings, doing a lot of day trips into the nature. I was dating someone I really like now, my 0 hours were extended again until the end of 2020, I wasn’t bored yet and life seemed ok. I even started to plan a holiday. Maybe life would go back to normal soon?
July
I went on a 2 week trip to Crete and loved seeing the island in a quiet time. It was strange to travel with the new rules, wearing masks everywhere and figuring out what was allowed and what wasn’t. But it was still exciting to be abroad. I had the best time! When I got home my 3 months of dating a great guy were suddenly over and I really needed to recover from that. I focused on hitting the gym again, which was open now, and going to samba lessons in the park.
August
In a mad last minute decision I signed up for an in person German course to improve my language skills. Even outside of the classroom I studied a lot and I started taking all the opportunities to speak German. Slowly I gained confidence. On the weekends I kept exploring Berlin, since most things were open again. My parents managed to come over for a visit as well.
September
Another month of German course started. Besides this I signed up for a couple of meetups, trying to work on meeting new people and perhaps making a few friends. My life sort of had a normal schedule again, although it didn’t involve work. At the very end of the month I flew out to Portugal. I felt like my time on 0 hours of work was ticking away and I needed to do some traveling.
October
A full month in Portugal, with epic walks, meeting great travelers and inspiring people. I had a major low point where I questioned everything and felt sad because my time in Berlin had not given me what I had wanted. But it was this moment that made me decide to give Berlin another chance, regardless of what would happen with my current job. I was excited to work on myself and my personal goals, to start building a life that didn’t just revolve around my job. And then Germany announced a 2nd lockdown.
November
After another week in Portugal I came back to Berlin. There was a semi-lockdown. It was cold and it got dark really early. I couldn’t work on all my goals, but I decided to get stuck into what I could. So the last couple of weeks I’ve been doing some life admin, worked on my photos and stories from my trip, started dating again and most importantly: I started preparing for the worst. I’ve sort of come to term with the possibility of losing my job and having to find something else. My big challenge now is to find out what I want to do. So I’m making lists, I’m thinking hard and I’m preparing myself for some big decisions.
December
Well, December will soon start and now I know that my life is going to change direction, I will have to contact the unemployment agency and work towards new goals. Christmas is cancelled, at least in its normal form, so I’ll have plenty of time to do dig deep and find my answers.
I may have watched a bit too much Netflix during the last few months. I may have wasted some time. But was all of it a waste? No. This question comes from the pressure I’ve constantly put on myself and the pressure that society puts on us. Nothing is ever good enough. We’re not allowed to stand still. There always needs to be progress and everything needs to be done for a reason. It’s this kind of perfectionism that I’ve been trying to fight for the last 10 years. I’ve been trying to get away from it, but occasionally still fail.
Covid came as a shock to all of us. For people in the tourism branch it means we’ve lived with uncertainty for 8 months now! I feel lucky to live in a country where I have financial support. I’ve had a chance to come to terms with the situation at my own pace. It’s impossible to just be ok with the change from day 1. It needs time. I’m allowed to waste some time. I’m allowed to feel not just the ups, but also the downs. I’m allowed to take the time to ride out this roller coaster. In the end I know I will come out stronger. It may take me some more time, but that’s ok.
So no, none of this time was wasted. I’ve reflected on my life. I’m thinking about what’s important to me and I hope that this will guide decisions about my future. I’ve learned new skills and developed my knowledge. I’ve taken on challenges and faced some fears. I’ve enjoyed the good times and I’ve battled through the bad. My first year in Berlin was all about my job. This second year I’ve taken for myself and it’s probably the best things that’s come out of this situation. Now off to phase two!
